Daniel Mirk

All Things Remaining

Wed, 12 Jun 2013 19:15:28 -0400

My pals over at Thing X were kind enough to ask me to be in this post-apocalyptic radio show All Things Remaining. I play one of the hosts. Can you guess which one?

Behind The Scenes At The Onion News Empire

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 19:47:55 -0400

To celebrate the launch of the Onion News Empire on Amazon, here are a few photos I took on set. These will be marginally more interesting if you have seen the show, so if you have not already seen it then go see it dummy.

Here is the Onion News Van which whisks away little Courtney Carter so the network can get a “missing girl” story. We did multiple takes of the girl screaming and being hauled into the van by two men in ski masks. The degree to which passersby were utterly unfazed was alarming.

One of my favorite locations in the show is the office for our lead anchor David Bryant (Jeffery Tambor). Our art department did an amazing job packing the room to the gills with various souvenirs from Bryant’s long career in journalism. Here is one detail that you can’t really see in the pilot: An oil-soaked bird that Bryant picked up while covering the Exxon Valdez disaster.

Another detail from Bryant’s office: The skull of his former secretary.

At one point in the pilot, reporter Cameron Grey (Cheyenne Jackson) has this microwaveable “Steamy Salad” for lunch. I have long thought that the idea of a hot salad was disgusting so I was excited to finally see that thought realized.

Toward the end of the pilot news director Ed Musgrove (William Sadler) refers to a bull being in someone’s office. We actually shot a scene depicting that in which this stuffed buffalo head, held up by a man hiding under a sheet, stood in for the “bull.” For reasons that are probably obvious, the effect did not end up looking good enough to make it into the final cut.

Lastly, here is a photo of myself holding Helena’s crossbow and wearing the sunglasses Courtney wears when she is pretending to be blind. Ladies, I am single.

Onion News Empire on Amazon

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 19:05:00 -0400

Onion News Empire on Amazon:

“Onion News Empire” is now on Amazon! I co-wrote and co-produced the pilot and I’m quite pleased with how it turned out. The link is right here and the show is free so I encourage you to watch it when you have some time. I know you’re busy. We’re all busy.

New Bits In The Occasional

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 17:26:53 -0500

Below are a few bits I wrote for the most recent issue “The Occasional” from Funny Or Die.

New Onion Show For Amazon

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 17:18:41 -0500

Last summer my longtime friend and Onion coworker Will Graham and I sequestered ourselves in a windowless office for several weeks and wrote a half-hour pilot about reporters and anchors at The Onion News Network. It was picked up by Amazon Studios and ended up getting a great director, Todd Strauss Schulson, and an amazing cast including Jeffery Tambor, Chris Masterson, and Cheyenne Jackson. We shot it toward the end of February and are currently in the process of editing. Here’s a New York Times article which just came out today that mentions the show. The whole process was a delight and I am excited for people to see the finished product. Below is a picture of myself in an ill-fitting sweater holding one one of the props from the show.

Funny Or Die has begun publishing a bimonthly digital magazine...

Fri, 23 Nov 2012 13:38:14 -0500

Funny Or Die has begun publishing a bimonthly digital magazine (is that the term?) called The Occasional and I have written these “Celebrity Sightings” bits for the past few issues. It’s fun and it gives me an excuse to read Us Weekly and People Magazine.

I was recently lucky enough to write for Night Of Too Many Stars...

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 17:19:09 -0400

I was recently lucky enough to write for Night Of Too Many Stars a Comedy Central special which benefits autism education programs. The show was created by Robert Smigel and hosted by Jon Stewart and features appearances by a staggering number of celebrities including Sting and Paula Deen. Above is a preview clip of one of the bits I pitched.

This is a video from a new web series I have been doing with...

Sat, 14 Jul 2012 19:51:55 -0400

This is a video from a new web series I have been doing with Broadway Video called The Cool Kids Table. We have done six of these so far and they have all been a lot of fun. The series was created by Carol Kolb, Lang Fisher, and me. I have directed four of them (including the one above) and written on all of them. The rest of the videos can be found on Broadway Video’s Above Average YouTube channel.

Here is a video I wrote for the UCB’s Sketch Cram. Sketch...

Sat, 14 Jul 2012 19:41:20 -0400

Here is a video I wrote for the UCB’s Sketch Cram. Sketch Cram is an hour-long comedy show written and produced in a single day. The video was directed by Adam Sacks and stars Brian Glidewell, a guy who looks and dresses almost exactly like me.

Adult Swim

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 20:31:30 -0400

I wrote a piece for the new Adult Swim blog about a movie reviewer who is trapped inside a wall. It is silly. Here is a link to it.

Pendulous Breasts Quarterly

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 17:10:00 -0500

I have a few pieces in the new comedy zine Pendulous Breasts Quarterly (pictured above). You can order the zine from the P.B.Q. website. After the jump is one of my pieces from the publication.

YOUR PLACE OR MINE? Daniel Mirk

Well, this is the place. Sorry it’s not more tidy, I didn’t expect to have a lady visitor over. You can hang up your coat on the uvula over there. Just throw it over the bulbous part. The whale doesn’t mind.

Take a seat on the tongue, make yourself at home. Can I get you something to eat? The whale swallowed about thirty pounds of krill this morning, if you’re in the mood for krill. No? I think I have some squid that hasn’t been digested yet if you’d prefer that. It’s just down in the intestine, it’d be no problem. Not hungry? Okay.

What’s that? Oh, about a year. I was on a ship, we capsized, blah blah blah, I was swallowed whole. At first I thought it would just be temporary, but with the housing market the way it is and everything… Yeah. I mean, it’s spacious. There’s a lot of natural light whenever the whale opens his mouth. And I pay no rent. The location isn’t ideal, especially when the whale migrates hundreds of miles north, but with email and everything it’s not that big of a deal. Yeah, I work from home a lot. I have a little office set up in the lung.

That sound? Oh, that’s the whale’s heart beating. I actually don’t even notice it anymore.

No. There’s no bathroom.

So, what do you say you and I head down to the bowels, get a little more comfortable? There’s part of a rowboat down there. Or we could head over to the liver and…

Oh. Really? No, don’t apologize, I totally understand. I’ll get your coat. Sure. Well, the blowhole is that way. I assume you can find your way out.

Some Press Releases

Fri, 16 Sep 2011 11:43:00 -0400

One of the things I’ve been doing for this season of ONN is writing fake press releases responding to real news events as a way to promote the show. I thought I’d share a few of them here.

This one was in response to the announcement of Beyonce’s pregnancy.

ONION NEWS NETWORK LANDS FIRST INTERVIEW WITH BEYONCE’S BABY

Network To Air Exclusive Pre-Natal Interview With Singer’s Fetus

New York, NY (August 31, 2011) - Just days after the announcement of pop megastar Beyonce Knowles’ pregnancy took tabloids and celebrity gossip websites by storm, the Onion News Network has already conducted the first-ever interview with the singer’s unborn child.

Onion News Network anchor Brooke Alvarez conducted the interview with the fetus at Beyonce’s home in Hollywood using ultrasound equipment and a specially-designed microphone inserted into the “Bootylicious” singer’s womb. In an in-depth, two-hour conversation Ms. Alvarez and the fetus discussed topics ranging from what gender it will be to what life is really like inside the world’s most famous pop star.

“The fetus really opened up to me,” said Ms. Alvarez, “It does not yet have the life experience or brain functionality to understand social norms, so it was very candid.”

The interview became heated at one point when Ms. Alvarez questioned the fetus about accusations that it has repeatedly kicked Ms. Knowels. In what is sure to be a much-buzzed about moment, the fetus appeared to deny the domestic abuse charge when it moved the fleshy, fingerless nub of its hand toward its pre-formed mouth and said nothing.

The fetus may already have a bit of its mother’s diva streak. Ms. Alvarez says at one point a crew member pushed a napkin and a pen up to the fetus in hopes of getting an autograph, but the unborn star refused to sign. Reportedly it did not even return the pen.

This one was in response to an eerie moment in the recent Republican debate at the Reagan Library.

ONION NEWS NETWORK TO AIR GOV. RICK PERRY’S FIRST PUBLIC EXECUTION

Perry To Make Executing Prisoners Central Campaign Theme

NEW YORK, NY (SEPTEMBER 8, 2011) - In response to the raucous applause he received for proudly defending his record of executing 234 inmates during his time as Governor of Texas at last night’s GOP debate, Republican presidential hopeful Rick Perry has announced public executions will become a centerpiece of his 2012 campaign. The Onion News Network will be airing the first of these executions live in an exclusive television event next Tuesday.

Beginning at 9/8 central, Gov. Perry will take the stage before a crowd of supporters at the Onion News Network’s election headquarters along with a prisoner strapped to a gurney. After a few opening remarks, Perry will personally administer a series of injections of pancuronium bromide and potassium chloride to the prisoner. When the prisoner has stopped convulsing and is confirmed dead, Perry will give a short speech on job creation before taking questions from the audience.

The event will mark the first stop in Perry’s “Ultimate Justice” campaign tour, in which the governor is scheduled to personally kill over 200 prisoners at various campaign stops in small towns and big cities across the country.

“I expect the executions to be a huge boost to Perry’s campaign,” says Onion News Network anchor Brooke Alvarez. “As we saw at the debate, this is what his supporters want. [Perry] is proving he’s not just going to talk the talk, he’s willing to actually take human lives.”

The executions may also be a boon to Perry’s fundraising efforts. The Perry campaign has already sent out invitations to a black-tie dinner at which the night’s biggest donors will be given handguns and allowed to shoot convicts in the face. Those making smaller contributions will receive pieces of the dead prisoner’s body to keep as souvenirs.

And this one was in response to a new census report which found more Americans than ever are living in poverty.

ONION NEWS NETWORK LAUNCHES NEW TV CHANNEL FOR THE POOR

“Onion Destitute Channel” Will Cater To Growing Demographic Of Americans Living In Poverty

NEW YORK, NY - Following this week’s report from the U.S. Census Bureau that more Americans than ever are living below the poverty line, the Onion News Network is pleased to announce the launch of the “Onion Destitute Channel,” the first television network catering specifically to the poor.

“With the number of Americans in poverty rising for the fourth year in a row, there has never been a better time to tap into this rapidly growing demographic,” says Onion Programming Director Harris Zweibel. “For the 46.2 million of you barely making enough money to feed your children: Finally there’s a TV channel for you.”

ODC will offer an exciting mix of news and entertainment programming focusing on the poor lifestyle. Fashion show “Off The Rack,” hosted by laid-off Detroit bus driver Marcus Plath, highlights the hottest trends from TJ Maxx and the Salvation Army. Cooking show “Patti’s Kitchen” features disabled former autoworker Patti Clark teaching viewers how to whip up tasty dishes like ramen with ketchup, beans, and beans with ketchup. And home-improvement program “Ace Your Space” shows former interior designer turned scrap-metal-salvager Alan Robinson sprucing up real families’ cars each week to make them more livable.

ODC will also feature informative programs like “House Call” a medical show which instructs viewers without health insurance how to treat chronic injuries themselves using items easily foraged from dumpsters, as well as primetime sitcoms like “The New Crew” about a group of sexy single friends living in a housing project who are constantly stressed out and crying because they don’t have enough money to pay the rent and are frequently being robbed. Several suffer from rickets.

“The great thing about this network is that its viewership is guaranteed to increase steadily for the foreseeable future,” says Zweibel. “The only thing we are worried about is the economy improving. Hahahahahahahahaha. I am joking.”

That one was called “as funny as it is depressing” on Variety’s blog, which is about as apt a description of The Onion’s style of humor as you are likely to find.

I will be writing a few more of these in the lead-up to the premiere of the second season of Onion News Network, which is on October 4th.

Some Work I Have Done About Me

Tue, 21 Jun 2011 23:24:00 -0400

Some Work I Have Done About Me